We're all a little Foolish
by YaoiAnimeHunter
Summary: *In which Renji has the shittiest luck when it comes to love, but its okay Yumichika has decided to help while trying to fix his relationship with Ikkaku. *In Which Ichigo is confused about his sexuality after an interview with Yumichika, but it's okay it's all Renji's fault. *In which Kuchiki Byakuya most definitely does not harbor feelings towards his lieutenant. NOW ON AO3
1. Chapter 1

**Been having the worst writers block ever and decided to do some prompts to get my creative juices flowing. The pairings would focus on one of these: Byakuya x Renji, Renji x Ichigo or Kenpachi x Renji. With some other side pairings, AU prompts are allowed.**

**CHAPTER 0NE**

If there was one person who understood the complexes and intricacies of long distance pining Yumichika would say it was Renji without any hesitation. The Redhead seemed to be the embodiment of long distance, one-sided, unrequited pining of the worst caliber. Of course others might say the effeminate narcissist was simply being mean but Renji really wouldn't deny the claim.

His first crush was Rukia and honestly no one could blame him for falling for her, she was literally the only childhood friend that hadn't died on him. She was calm and collected but could be aggressive when it called for it, despite the major height difference she somehow was able to pull his ears when he was being an ass. She was beautiful, able to keep him in line and was awesome at Kido (_Very important)_, she was also a very terrible cook but he found it cute… who wouldn't? She was perfect in every way as well as painfully unattainable.

He would do anything for her; he would break the rules for her, defile Gotei13 for her, heck he would die for her and what the fuck did he get in return? He got fucking friend-zoned, she even said he was the best brother she ever had (_He was pretty sure it was the pain meds talking… at least he hoped it was_). While it was worth the look on his captain's face the pain that came with that little piece of confession was worth being drunk out of his mind for three days, although the alcohol poisoning that came with it wasn't worth shit!

The next was on his fellow lieutenant Hisagi Shuuhei; Renji wasn't exactly sure how, why and when his crush started although he would blame it all on the accidental kiss they shared once… no, he wouldn't explain how the sexy tattooed lieutenants lips accidentally grazed his… okay, it involved the said lieutenant teaching him kido.

It wasn't his fault he fell for Hisagi, the man was sexy as fuck (_Have you seen him shirtless_), was a skilled fighter, fucking amazing at Kido and that damned tattoo on his face wasn't helping matters. Long story short he had no chance as the damned ass only had eyes for Matsumoto's boobs… that bastard!

The last and probably the most frustrating was the one on his captain – Kuchiki Byakuya. How and why the hell he fell for such an expressionless rock was beyond him, the man was a condescending ass but to be fair he was extremely hot it should be a crime. His captain was so strict and stiff there were times he was sure there had to be a stick shoved up his ass. The worst part was that his damned captain knew of the crush he had on him and had clearly told him not to let his fleeting feelings get in the way of his work.

Who the fuck tells someone that to their face anyway?

His love life took a dramatic hike down a cliff when his captain had 'accompanied' him to squad 11 to deliver some files, why Kuchiki Byakuya decided to follow him to the same squad he complained tirelessly about was beyond him but he suspected his captain enjoyed annoying Zaraki-Taichō just as much as the crazed captain enjoyed annoying him.

In retrospect he should have seen the signs as they were blatantly obvious, then again nothing would have prepared him for a VERY enthusiastic Yumichika who had twirled (_There was no way else to explain it_) to him and kissed him VERY enthusiastically (_Tongue and all_) in the middle of squad 11 training grounds.

Renji was thus met with a deadly glare from Ikkaku, and if the glare wasn't enough to make several alarm bells go off in his head, the killing intent all over his reiatsu definitely would, Zaraki-Taichō looked amused and dear Kami-sama the last thing he wanted was to amuse that damned crazed maniac, he was too young to die dammit! His captain who was probably holding some record in Seireitei for having the least facial expression was openly glaring at him, and something about the damn glare was accusing. Turning his attention back to Yumichika he was met with a familiar gleam in his eyes, the one he had been seeing a lot recently… that little shit!

Notes:

Prompt Requests for new chapters are wanted ＼(＾▽＾)／


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

For the thousandth time that week Renji was wondering what he had done in his past life to deserve this injustice, all he wanted to do was to deliver some files to Yumichika (He was the only one who actually did the squads paper work), he had completely forgotten about Yumichika 'fool-proof plan to capture his captain's heart' the interesting thing was that he hadn't actually agreed with Yumichika's methods. For one thing, trying to make his captain jealous was like trying to get the man to give Zaraki-Taichō a compliment… It was impossible!

Most importantly he didn't want to get on Ikkaku's bad side, the man was a monster when he wanted to, and while it had been long since he had seen Ikkaku pissed to the point he was giving out some pretty serious serial killer vibe, he didn't miss it nor wanted it directed at him. Flirting with Yumichika was practically the same as asking him to kill you.

Of course seeing as Yumichika NEVER did anything without an ulterior motive Renji had to ask what the other man was getting out of it, He was a shock when Yumichika claimed that he and Ikkaku weren't in fact dating like everyone thought, and even more of a shock when the effeminate man confessed that his love for his partner was one-sided. Renji's mind was blown, but not enough not to understand Yumichika's motives… He wanted to get Ikkaku to notice him… and not in a battle sense. Of course after hearing all that Renji still refused.

So now here he was, lips locked with that manipulative, cunning little bastard! If he wasn't so afraid for his life he would have punched the idiot in the gut. Unfortunately, his flight or fight instinct kicked in and he ended up dumping the files in his captain's arms and fleeing with Yumichika, without even being aware he was dragging the little shit along with him.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT." Renji roared, when they arrived at what seemed to be his sleeping quarters in squad six.

"What is what?" Yumichika asked feigning ignorance and pointedly ignoring the throbbing veins in Renji's forehead threatening to pop.

"Are you trying to get me killed?"

-0-

Byakuya could honestly say he was rarely surprised or caught off guard; after all a Kuchiki was cautious and always aware of what was happening around him. However, he really hadn't expected the Barbarian's 5th seat to throw himself at his lieutenant as well as sexually assault the said lieutenant in front of everyone. His glare was thus explainable as it was against his ethical code to allow such behavior, the sixth squad's name would not be soiled!

Of course he was snapped out of his thoughts by a sudden burst of killing intent from the Barbarian's 3rd seat; he made a mental note to look into that. Speaking of Barbarians he most definitely did NOT like the look on Zaraki's face, he knew that look; it was the one the imbecile had when something had caught his interest. Once again, he made a mental note to investigate further.

He however realized he had been staring and was brought out of his trance when his lieutenant promptly dumped the folders that were to be delivered on him and fled with the demon spawn (Yumichika) hot on his heels. Kuchiki Byakuya was a lot of things, but foolish was not one of them; thus the Noble found himself blinking repeatedly trying to process what had just happened… Kenpachi's maniacal laughter definitely wasn't helping.

-0-

By noon everyone one in Seireitei had heard of the 'incident' that had occurred in squad 11 training grounds, It shouldn't have been a surprise that people were already spinning nonsensical rumors about what had happened, yet Renji couldn't stop the overwhelming need to punch someone in the face when he heard the crap they had come up with. Did people really believe he and Yumichika were secret lovers, having an affair behind Ikkaku's back? Did they really think he was so stupid and suicidal as to touch what belonged to Ikkaku, even if in reality the two weren't really dating?

If that wasn't bad enough Renji was seconds away from asking Zabimaru to kill him when Rukia marched up to his office and punched him in the face for being a two-timing bastard? WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM ANYWAY? She had then proceeded to colorfully threaten him to an inch of his life to break things off with Yumichika, his explanation that it was solely the little bastard's fault fell on deaf ears when the little bastard in question twirled into his office and hugged him tightly… In front of Rukia, his squad officers and for some godforsaken reason, Matsumoto! What the busty lieutenant was doing in his office he had no idea, how and when she got in he didn't know but he was sure of one thing; Matsumoto couldn't keep a secret to save her life and he was now indefinitely screwed!

Notes:

Prompt Requests for new chapters are wanted ＼(＾▽＾)／


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

"Abarai, while I understand that I have no right to interfere with your private life, I do however expect you to separate your personal life from your work. You would do the reputation of this squad good not to bring your conquests into your office." Renji was about to retort at the 'conquest' bit, but a look from Byakuya silenced him. Seeing as his lieutenant was not going to be interrupting his reprimand Byakuya continued his speech. "If my memory serves me well and I assure you it does, I do recall being the object of your affection. And while I do not return those feelings I would advise you not to publicly perform a dental check with your tongue on that barbarian's 5th seat, rather you should spend that time training and improving on your Kido, you are yet to surpass me after all."

Renji could only stare at his captain, blinking rapidly and trying to process the crap that had just come out from his captain's lips… his very pretty soft, pink lips… '_No time to be distracted Abarai_' He mentally scolded himself.

"Taichō, what are you saying?"

"Abarai, you are aware of how much I dislike repeating myself."

Renji simply nodded and walked out of the office to his own, like a puppet being controlled by a puppeteer's strings.

-0-

As Renji had predicted, EVERYONE had heard about the little scene. of course, some had created their versions; most of which involved an underdressed Yumichika spread on his desk, the thought made Renji shudder. Considering his shitty luck, he wasn't surprised when ended up having a pile of documents that needed Kenpachi's signature, something about joint training sessions between the two squads. Renji knew he could just send a lower seated officer to deliver the documents, but if there was one thing he learnt at squad 11, it was that sending someone else to fix your problems was the 'pansy-ass' way _(Kenpachi and Ikkaku's words of course)_ Besides he needed to talk to Ikkaku and hopefully the bald shinigami would listen to his explanation instead of killing him with Hōzukimaru.

As he walked to squad 11, Renji couldn't help but note the creepy and disgusted looks that were directed his way, some bastards even had the guts to shake their heads disapprovingly at him. And all Renji could think of was wringing Yumichika's neck, it was all the little bastard's fault! On arriving at the squad, Renji noted that there seemed to be fewer Officers around, and those who were there were definitely avoiding making any form of eye contact with him. On another note, the flamboyant bastard was nowhere to be found and considering the fact that his head was still intact he found himself wondering where Ikkaku was.

Sadly his good luck ended the moment the shinigami in question came out… heading towards him like a predator stalking his prey, his eyes filled with barely concealed anger, it most definitely did not help that Kenpachi was behind Ikkaku, also walking towards him looking VERY amused. Yachiru appeared from who knows where, perched on Ikkaku's head and whispered something to the bald man. Whatever it was made Ikkaku turn back, although his face showed he was far from pleased about it.

Renji's attention was so fixated on Ikkaku that he hadn't noticed that Kenpachi was now inches away from him, by the time he noticed it, the maniac had a smirk on his face that if Renji was to be honest with himself – was quite sexy. Of course, he quickly dismissed the idea of Kenpachi being sexy, which didn't do any good because the giant closed the distance between them in one step, making Renji extremely conscious of the height difference. The redhead opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a rough and passionate kiss from Kenpachi.

"Not bad Red, I can see why the fruitcake likes ya."

And thus Renji stood there completely blown away; he most definitely hadn't expected THAT from Kenpachi of all people. If he was thinking correctly he might have noticed Yumichika who was behind Yachiru laughing his ass off, he also would have noticed the mischievous gleam in the bastard's eyes. Of course, the only thing he somehow noticed was the look of utter horror in Ichigo's eyes… all he could think of was why the hell Ichigo was there in the first place!

His brain started scrambling to register clues he had missed earlier such as the numerous slashes on Kenpachi and Ichigo, the sand in Ichigo's hair, the tattered Shihakushō on both Ichigo and Kenpachi… Shit! Ichigo was sparring with Kenpachi and had probably been Seireitei all along.

**Next Chapter:** Renji and Yumichika go clubbing and Ichigo is pretty much scared for life.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR:** Somebody Please Shoot me!

Yumichika had somehow managed to get Renji, Shuuhei, Matsumoto, Kira, Ikkaku and somehow Ichigo to go dancing in one of those 'fruity' clubs he liked so much at district 55 in East Rukongai. Somehow Kenpachi had ended up coming along with them because apparently Ukitake was babysitting Yachiru and he had nothing else to do. Renji didn't buy that crap; the bigger shock was that THE Kuchiki Byakuya had come along with them, spouting some crap about needing to make sure Renji did not soil squad six name any further. Renji didn't feel like pointing out the obvious bullshit so he kept quiet.

Yumichika hadn't specified what type of clothing they were to wear so Kenpachi, Kira, Ikkaku and Shuuhei came in their Shihakushō, Byakuya was in an expensive Silver and black robe with his usual scarf around his neck… he looked ridiculously out of place, but Renji opted not to tell him but he had a feeling his captain was aware of how he stuck out like a sore thumb.

Matsumoto was dressed in a long Navy blue Chinese style dress, with a slit on a side that ran up to her thigh, Renji had to spend over thirty minutes listening to Yumichika argue with Matsumoto about the later trying to trying to steal the spot light from him, which was ridiculous as Yumichika was dressed just as seductively as her. If the little shit didn't already belong to Ikkaku, Renji would have been all over him.

Yumichika wore tight pants with vertical black and white stripes on it, Renji guessed the material was either very stretchy or Yumichika magically popped into it… Yep his ass looked that great in it the black low heeled boots he wore only made the view more spectacular (He wasn't interested in Yumichika he was simply appreciating the… Eh, beauty) His shirt was light purple and Renji assumed it was two size too big as the neck was wide enough to reveal Yumichika exposed shoulder blade. Yumichika was definitely up to something. It took everything he had not to let his blood flow south and Renji had a feeling the little shit knew that!

Renji was in tight black denim, dark brown combat boots, as well as black dress shirt with the first three buttons, opened revealing bronzed tattooed skin, his hair was not in its usual high pony tail but was left flowing, although it was styled in a way that covered the tattoos on his head. Ichigo was dressed in a similar way only he had on orange coloured tie that hung loosely on his chest, revealing tanned skin and showing muscles that were proof of his training… Their outfits were undoubtedly picked by Yumichika. Another clue that the little shit was once again up to no good!

Yumichika moved towards Renji for a dance but was blocked by Ikkaku who had somehow popped in front of the effeminate man. Renji took that as his cue to back away slowly… Which was his first mistake.

"Hmm, you clean up nice Red." A masculine voice hummed sensually in Renji's ears, he turned around and found himself face planted in Kenpachi's chest. Large arms snaked around his waist almost possessively, he tried to remove the giants' hand but discovered much to his shitty luck that the hand refused to budge, instead Kenpachi bent and ran his fingers through Renji's hair and whispered in his ears.

"Sorry Red, I'll be playing with you today." While Renji was shocked out of his mind, he wasn't prepared for the giant to nibble on his ear and he most definitely hadn't expected to let out a silent moan… That might not have been so silent after all.

For the third time that week the look on his captain's face was utterly shocked, Ichigo' facial expression was worse!

Renji wished the ground would open up and swallow him put Alas, fate was against him today. His embarrassment only increased tenfold when Yumichika miraculously popped behind him, leaving him in-between the two squad 11 officers.

"Taicho, you should ask Renji for a dance, he's a good dancer."

_How the fuck did he know that. _He heard Kenpachi respond with a grunt before he could voice out his thoughts, the little bastard had disappeared and appeared once again, this time with a drink in his hand. Usually, he would have been extremely suspicious, but the fact that he was in a club, with some of his friends… and Captain, with Kenpachi's arm around his waist, and almost no space between him and the said captain. Not to mention the whole moaning thing earlier was enough to drown all suspicions, he was too sober to deal with all this.

Sadly he should have been suspicious as the drink Yumichika was called Death in the Afternoon and contained absinthe, Never the less it was all the boost he needed before dancing with Kenpachi… Another mistake he would forever remember.

Renji wasn't sure how he ended up in the middle of the dance floor, grinding his butt against the squad 11 captains groin, roaming his hands all over the said captain's body, he didn't register the look of utter Horror in Ichigo's face, the twinkle in Yumichika and Matsumoto's eyes, the blush on Kira, Shuuhei, and his captains face, and dear God, he wished he did. All he was aware of was the music (Diplo ft. Lazerdisk Party Sex- Set It Off) as well as the low grunts Kenpachi was making.

He was really NEVER going to be able to live this down, and he sincerely wished that someone would just shoot him.


End file.
